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Something Borrowed (2011)

The Language of Love

Sigh. Each year, the Oxford English Dictionary brings our species one step closer to Idiocracy by lifting the velvet rope of language and legitimizing a handful of silly non-words from popular culture. This year's winners include "LOL", "OMG" and "sexting". In no particular order, here are a few new gems I'd like to contribute, inspired by Luke Greenfield's Something Borrowed:

Miss Ogynist: n. Any female author whose work serves to repress her readership through unattainable and/or unflattering depictions of women (see also "Emily Giffin").

Glameo: n. Brief appearance in a romantic comedy by the author of the book on which the movie is based; denoted by a waitress/receptionist character who's spent way too much time in Hair and Makeup to be a casual background player (see also "Emily Giffin" "park bench", and/or "reading Something Borrowed").

Haagen-Date Movie: n. Any romantic comedy targeted at single, socially awkward women whose drug of choice is ice cream (i.e. women whose limited knowledge of actual romantic relationships allows them to buy into sexist Hollywood fantasies--thus perpetuating a loneliness loop that sustains the twin markets of bad movies and frozen treats).

Frumpet: n. In a romantic comedy, the allegedly "hot" actress whose horrible personality highlights the virtues of her mousy best friend (see also "Kate Hudson").

Blowmance: n. 99% of the movies in which Kate Hudson has appeared.

Fauxmance: n. Any romantic comedy in which the female lead ends up with absolutely the wrong guy (see also Reality Bites).

Bar-nun: n. Any movie character in law school, denoted by nerdy clothing that unsuccessfully masks his/her attractiveness (see also "Ginnifer Goodwin").

Shrugly: adj. Describes any non-blonde, leading female character in a romantic comedy. A knock-out in real life, this person will be sold to the audience as someone with low self-esteem who just can't get no man (see also "Bar-nun"). 

Cruise Line: n. Any male lead who looks uncannily like a cross between Tom Cruise and another actor (example: Colin Egglesfield = Tom Cruise + porn star Peter North).

Dorkmat: n. In a romantic comedy, the male best friend who pines for the shrugly lead actress but is doomed to lose out to a character fresh off the Cruise Line.

Jimeo: n. The appearance in a romantic comedy by an actor from a popular TV show in which he/she plays a variation on the character that made him/her famous (see also "John Krasinski", "Jim", and/or "The Office").

Clueless Douchebag: n. The leading man in any romantic comedy whose inability to recognize the girl he should really be with artificially pads the run-time.

Infiduhlity: n. In a romantic comedy, any extra-relationship sex between two characters who will inevitably wind up together.

Forfuckingever: n. In a romantic comedy, the amount of time it takes for the male and female leads to realize that they belong together.

Bad Romantic Comedy: n. A myth (female).

Bad Romantic Comedy: n. An oxymoron (male).

Guynocologist: n. Any man brave enough to suggest to his spouse that a romantic comedy might not be as great as its trailer promises.

Five-glasser: n. The romantic comedy so bad that men will not be the only ones drinking before it's over (extremely rare).

Four-bottler: n. A romantic comedy so packed with clichés that the audience loses track of how many drinking games are being played during any given scene.

Non-demand: n. The point at which the home audience realizes the film they're watching is a colossal waste of seven bucks; usually reached while un-pausing after a wine/bathroom break, when sheepish viewers see that there's over an hour of non-jokes and predictable outcomes still remaining.

Guymax: n. The point at which female audience members realize their guynocologist spouses were totally right about an awful romantic comedy; once reached, snide comments may be welcomed instead of shushed.

Femnesia: n. Typically occurring ten minutes after a romantic comedy has ended, the period when women swoon over the next rom-com preview they see on television--even if its plot and/or cast mirrors the awful movie they've just watched (related form, "Mannesia").

Pointless: adj. Describes detailed reviews of 99% of romantic comedies (see also "Blowmance", "Fauxmance").

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Reader Comments (2)

Personally, I think you're on to something here. Perhaps we truly have lacked the critical language necessary to describe how awful these damn movies really are...until now.

September 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDeMoss

Thanks! My wife and I watched this last weekend with some friends, and within twenty minutes the girls were practically begging to turn it off. We soldiered on, though, and I took every opportunity to remind the group that we could've been watching "Real Genius" instead (which, shockingly, only half the room had seen).

September 8, 2011 | Registered CommenterIan Simmons

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