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Wednesday
Jul042012

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

Pesticide

Yesterday, I was e-mailed a link from a Marvel Films executive, who wishes to remain anonymous. And for good reason: below is my SPOILER-FILLED transcript of a deleted scene from the upcoming blu-ray of The Amazing Spider-Man. It's a weird scene, set at a major character's funeral, and features what appears to be a blitzed-out-of-her-mind Emma Stone delivering the eulogy while popping in and out of her Gwen Stacy character.

I haven't seen the film yet. If half of what's mentioned here is true, I doubt I'll bother.

Enjoy!

[EXT. CEMETARY DAY. A LARGE CROWD gathers around an open funeral plot. GWEN STACY stands at the head of it, PROJECTING her voice. Next to her is a NERVOUS-looking, gray-haired PRIEST]

GWEN STACY:

My father died saving a douchebag in a Halloween costume.

Wait, that's not right.

Halloween costumes usually exhibit some design sense. This thing looks like one of those variant action figures that Hasbro churns out to promote comic book movies. You know, the ones that have nothing to do with the actual movie? Like, "Hey, it's Jungle-fish Batman with Nite-Glo SCUBA Action!" Some shit like that.

I mean, it's just awful. Do you guys remember that kid from a few years ago who also thought he was a man-spider? He had a similar outfit. I mean, why couldn't this new guy just use that suit? Why'd he have to Ed Hardy it up with all the douche-y swirls and those stupid silver striped shoes or whatever the fuck?

[PRIEST leans in and WHISPERS something to GWEN, who QUICKLY regains composure]

GWEN, CONTINUOUS:

Right, sorry. My dad died helping to foil the mad plot of a one-armed scientist who wanted to grow his limb back by injecting himself with lizard DNA or something. The scientist went nuts and decided everyone should be lizards. So he dusted off this machine that would disperse a green toxin over New York City and turn everyone into mutants.

Seriously, did he completely forget that the same plan failed twelve years ago when Magneto tried those shenanigans on top of the Statue of Liberty? Why spend untold millions of dollars on something so completely unoriginal, especially if it was lame the first time around?

[PRIEST leans in again and WHISPERS to GWEN, who NODS and WIPES away some tears]

GWEN, CONTINUOUS:

Daddy was a great man, especially compared to my new loser boyfriend, Peter. Daddy never liked Peter's crappy attitude, sullen disposition, and penchant for whiny snark. Seriously, until I actually met him, I didn't understand why all the kids in school picked on this kid. But he's my boyfriend now, so I guess I gotta stand by him.

Maybe it's those dreamy eyes, or that Edward Cullen hair. Maybe it's the way he told me to "shut up" while forcing his tongue down my throat right after he revealed to me that he's Spider-Ma--

Oh, fuck.

[GWEN SLYLY PULLS what look to be a couple of PILLS from her black raincoat and SWALLOWS them. Her eyes FLUTTER for a moment]

GWEN, CONTINUOUS:

Um, he told me he's Spider-Man's personal photographer. Yeah...

Basically, if you were to make a movie about Peter's life, it would be like the longest, most boring episode of Intervention, ever. His lovely Aunt May and Uncle Ben try to reach out to him after his parents' mysterious death. But Peter's selfishness and near-clinical forgetfulness not only lead to Uncle Ben's horrific shooting death, they also prevent him from spending, like, any time with his aunt in the following days.

Peter freaked out after Ben died and was determined to get revenge on the Lars Ulrich-looking motherfucker who shot him. So he spent weeks flying around the city--I mean, he got Spider-Man to spend weeks flying around the city--nabbing purse-snatchers and drug dealers; all of whom happened to have the same ridiculous dirty-blonde hair and asshole sunglasses. Seriously, what are the odds that every petty thief in Manhattan looks like a surf shop stock boy?

My dad tried to explain to him how Spider-Man's busting of petty thieves was screwing up a number of sting operations by the cops--to which Peter gave kind of a "whatever" shrug. Daddy all but kicked him out of dinner, which, I guess, flipped the Snivelling Asshole Apology Switch. That totally turned me on, though, and we ended up making out on my roof. Which is where he told me to shut up and dropped the Spider-Man...'s photographer bomb.

But, yeah, aside from being an awesome kisser with great hair, there's absolutely nothing to like about this kid. He has a pretty strong sense of justice, or whatever, but mostly he just seems like a jerk out for revenge. And you've gotta ask yourself: does saving the world and foiling robberies still qualify you for hero-dom if you're horrible to everyone you meet? Jesus wouldn't stand for this shit. Probably would've head-butted my boyfriend with that bitchin' thorn-crown.

Ass.

[PRIEST leans in again and WHISPERS to GWEN, who NODS and TUGS at her MINI-SKIRT, which has begun to RIDE uncomfortably high for the MOURNERS in the front row]

GWEN, CONTINUOUS:

Too much? This outfit's crazy, right? I don't know who's idea it was to have me dress like a 1960s comic book character for the last three weeks. But, come on! Thigh-high-boots, mini-skirts, and bangs? What am I, a goddamned Fem-Bot?

Okay, maybe at school. Maybe. But not at my job as a scientist/tour guide at a major biochemical research lab, or whatever the hell Oscorp's supposed to be. That shit's just unprofessional. Like, "This is our genetics research division, and if you'll each place twenty dollars here...

[GWEN SNAPS elastic of tall purple stockings against her thigh]

GWEN, CONTINUOUS:

...I'll show you where babies come from!" Please. I'm a Sexual Harassment training video waiting to happen. But I'm, like, smart, or whatever--you can tell by the lab coat--so it's okay.

Speaking of labs, can I just get this off my awesome chest? Say you're a scientist who's gradually transforming into Godzilla and you have an office full of secrets that you don't want your Charles Foster Kane-like boss to uncover. Say you've just walked into your office and found a nosy photographer kid examining the mutagen tubes you've left out on your desk for some reason. If you two have a fight in which you all but come out to each other as being super-powered god-men, would you then leave your own office with your nemesis still standing amongst important papers, canisters, and hidden lizard/rat experiments? Or would you kick Spider-Man out on his scrawny British ass and change all the digital locks in the building?

And why pussyfoot around with this kid, anyway? He's a proven public menace, and has demonstrated a level of over-the-top clumsiness that can best be described as "Super-strength Borat". Why not just kill him on the spot? Is it because he's the son of your former partner? The one you may or may not have sold out years ago, who may or may not have been murdered in an "accidental" plane crash? I never got the answer to any of these big questions, even though Peter started out telling me how important all this was to making his story interesting.

I mean, um, Spider-Man's story interesting.

[PRIEST leans in again and WHISPERS to GWEN, while also TAPPING his watch]

GWEN, CONTINUOUS:

The point is, my dad was the only person in this drawn-out, convoluted, wholly un-engaging love story masquerading as a summer blockbuster that actually displayed a combination of heroism, logic, and decency. I think he helped out Spider-Man because he knew he wasn't capable of taking down the lizard on his own--not out of any love for the head-case in the long underwear. I really wish it was Spider-Man who'd been run-through with the giant lizard claws instead of Daddy. The streets would be safer, and I wouldn't be trapped in a weird love triangle between Peter and a promise he made to my old man to stay away from me.

Not that it matters. Knowing Pete, he'll break his word in about two days, tops. Next thing I know, I'll be hanging from a bridge somewhere, at the mercy of another costumed freak. But it's love, you know? What can you do?

So, yes, let's remember my dad, Captain Stacy. Cop. Father. Part-time, chain-smoking comedian. Hater of sniveling emo kids whose idea of justice involves beating people that've wronged him to within an inch of their lives. 

And here's to my boyfriend, Peter Parker, a petty, bullied bully who'd probably be in jail right now if not for his amazing tongue and my father's connections on the force. Thank you for coming, everybody. And remember to rent Crazy Stupid Love.

[GWEN TURNS woozily, FALLING into the open plot. She CRACKS her skull on the casket. FADE TO BLACK]

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